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To be alive you must experience the pain and joy of all that is around you and
the peace within. Blinded by the unseen light.

Dark Truth

When the light is gone- when youthful creation fades and dies- spirit remains. In silence- in love- in darkness

Will your love endure darkness?

Can you see my soul?
Love me for what I am not?
Love me for what I am?

Can you see me in the darkness?
Without the light..
Can you see me?


All Angels are Terrible

Wind is beautiful, caressing- yet when she rages- she uproots all.
Earth is life giving, dependable- yet when she rages- she devours all.
Water is peaceful, calm- yet when she rages, she engorges all.
Fire is nurturing, passionate- yet when he rages- all life returns to elemental with wrenching pain.

All angels are terrible.

Spirit

You do no excite me.

When I look for spirit in your eyes- I am having trouble finding it.

Too many words- too much teaching- has made you forget spirit.

Empty, decaying, old words- words that express nothing but an ego seeking to define itself.

Phony, non-dual words

Practice what you preach…

Merry-go-round

The old become young- the young, old and so it goes like a merry-go-round- till they learn- till they learn.

The Nightmare & Loneliness of Insanity

I stand accused in life's Kangaroo court- surrounded by “friends’ and enemies. Accused of what? Some wrong? Being human perhaps?

I defend myself-express the truth- and am judged guilty. Judged guilty and insane by a world gone mad.

The accuser debased many times more than the accused. The accuser- lost, fearful, deluded- seeking to destroy a beauty they cannot experience. The accused- free in spirit, truth and love. Never alone, yet alone. Perhaps one day understood- bringing a morsel of sanity to the masses.


A Realization...

Last night I attended a short workshop on the “after life”. The speaker was a kind women, unassuming- who uses hypnotherapy to regress people to past lives and to the life in between past lives.

I wanted her perspective on why we reincarnate to the material plane if the “higher” plane also provides opportunities to learn and grow. While she had no real answer, the answers came quickly to me after the question was posed. There was really only one answer, but it came in many forms at different levels of abstraction.

At the level of abstraction I feel most comfortable with is the answer is that we are here to learn compassion through suffering. I am not familiar with Buddha's teachings, but attempting to end suffering on the material plane, is a goal that will help us achieve greater compassion and unity with creation, however it is the pursuit of this, not its attainment where our purpose is found. The complete freedom from suffering is impossible and not really desirable on this plane.

At a higher level of abstraction, the universe creates and recreates itself. It unifies and breaks apart- we only understand unity from disunity- we can only achieve oneness from understanding and experiencing separateness. Reincarnation gives us the means to experience separateness, ego and duality- which while illusions, are needed in our search for connectedness and oneness that is the truth and "magic" that underlies all creation.

There is more. Love is a word that describes what is beyond description. Our time with loved ones on this plane is experienced as momentary bliss. However our connection is eternal. We come from spirit, live in spirit and return to spirit. We are spirit. Spirit is all there is. Love is all there is. There is only love. Love is unconditional or it is not true love- it is something other than love. There is no perfection- perfection is an illusion. Will is an illusion.

We drown in love, die in love, hear in love, see in love, touch in love, taste in love, sense love. Fire is love. Water is love.
Death is life, life is death. All things are possible. Creation is a manifestation of thought. Space is full. Space is empty and not empty or full. Sky, water, earth- all the same.

Peace is stillness- the truth. Between existence and non-existence, the untold possibility, the end of duality.

The peaceful warrior- never alone, moving to the light- to the heart. We are beings of light.
 

Will is an illusion... I see and feel a great deal. Sometimes I feel I am at 20 planes of existence at once. I hear trees, I hear thoughts. I see beauty in everything. I sense fear in myself and others. All of this moves in me and out of me and through me and is a part of me.

Sometimes I wish to use this understanding to change- to change a life, to change a circumstance that is perhaps inevitable. All that matters though is that I remain aware and try in each moment to do what is right- for each moment there is a certain rightness- a way that seems truthful- an integrity. Sometimes I will intentionally jar people to promote their growth- to bring sincerity- even to frustrate them. Yet there is only love. Using my will to oppose the flow and to manifest a desire to do what may be worthy but is not truthful in the moment- is to manifest too fully from ego- is an illusion and a trap. It is however a source of learning.
 

A Life Well Lived

Who can say a life well lived...so many bury themselves with preoccupations- one distraction after another. Rather ask, have you seen true beauty?

Did you create beauty?
Do you know what it is to truly love?
Can you experience the subtlest silence?
Can you hear the music in everything?
Can you sense the vibration of the string before you hear the sound?
Can you sense the movement of butterfly wings?
Do you cry for the children who suffer that you never see?
Have you felt the pain of a true friend?

A Love Unseen

I am writing this to you- even though I can’t see you, feel you, taste you or hear you.
You are near me- but how this could be I do not know.
But all that is true is magic.
Though we are two spirits twain- joined forever- yet I long for your embrace touch and caress.
Though I see time as timeless illusion- yet I want to see you.
My heart though free and alive, sometimes perturbed- but mostly calm- yet longs.
The universe is teaching me and I lovingly learn- not wanting to stop- Yet I want to hear you.
When the moment is right we will both know- but that moment is momentary- Each day a sign- each day a tear- I don’t know why.
It took so long to be free- now I am- love me.

Nothing is too beautiful to be true…

I feel weak- slightly dizzy- a little alone- yet terribly happy- because I dependent on no one for my happiness…

Yet I am part of everything... Deciding on a trip to Ecuador- why go? Do I go to die or to live or do I go to die to love? There must be no fear. Life has many twists- I feel the stage is being set- control- yes- lessons unfolding- not what they are supposed to be- it is always the unexpected where life’s meaning comes through. Pity the seer- Ripples and folds in the river of time- a light- a bubble- the soft wings of a dragonfly- the water spider- the smallest circle- the largest bubble…splat- change- the faintest voice, the softest breeze, the turn of a page- the whisper- the fleeting look…the creative inspiration- inspire- the elusive mist- the gentlest rain.

Loud clamor- Rock! Thunder- structure broken- yes you change- but you do not teach- No will- the smallest kiss- touch who knows how to love? Remember the child within- stop the sound of trains- instead herald the breathing of swans- graceful flamingo- shiny leaves left dying in the ground. Turning…Turning…tick tock…last breath- sound and fury and that one last breath...the tear...the tear now one, two, three...why count beyond one- everything else is a lie. Slow, slow pitter, patter...Wow! Love more important that life. Can you understand? Do you dare try? No love- no life. Do you want me? Sad but true, sad but bad… too bad.
 

Loneliness

Through my awakening from the heart I have experienced both a greater and lesser sense of loneliness. Lesser because I viscerally experience connection and sense all the unconditional love around us...and the fear that separates us. My friends understand me yet don't understand me. We all have journeys and we share ourselves along the way. I seek out those whose life paths I can both give to and receive from. Yet in this unfolding process, I am also very lonely. I feel not understood. I am also seeking a partner- someone whose life I can share- learn from, grow with, give to and receive- at least glimpses of the unconditional love I now experience.
 

To a Friend

It is likely we are drawn together because of our spiritual paths, and also because of the loss of our loved ones. Usually what is most true and mysterious works through the unexpected. The "coincidences" that have brought us together for now is a way the universe brings together people that should be brought together- at least for a time. Yes, there may be a past life involvement as well.

I have not yet fully explored my many past lives. I have a sense of them and understand how some of my experiences in this life connect karmically to past lives. We often encounter the same spirits in many lives as we continue our learning through many planes of existence. This is all very beautiful and profound, but not without pain.

Most people are unaware of the effects of their negative energy. As one becomes more sensitive, one feels this even more and it can increase one's sense of pain. Most people do not understand the true nature of their spiritual connection- they have yet to discover themselves. They are learning. In the process they create much pain and suffering for themselves and others. They may lose the capacity to love themselves and others. This is all sad, but is part of the very reason we are here. We all experience this and it is not always clear what is the right path.
 

What I Want

I want the joy of waking up and seeing him asleep- loving every moment. I want to touch, taste and feel every part of him.

I want to share everything, and no matter what, have him see what is great and good in it. I want him to challenge me to think and feel and to be become what I can become- the man I want to be, not necessarily the man I am. I want to share his laughs and see him smile- When I am apart, I want to see him in my dreams- his face, his soulful gaze, and not feel alone. I want to fight and make up quickly- I want to be hurt and then fall back in love even more strongly. I want to share ideas, and books, philosophies, wisdom, everything I experience... I want him to share his life so it becomes his as well as mine. I want to see the world through his eyes and for him to see the world through mine. I want to love all of his faults and for him to love mine.  I want him to love children and see the beauty in each one- I want him to be compassionate to every animal. I want to hear him laugh and experience the joy in his voice. I want to hear him cry and experience the pain.  

And if he suffers, I wish to bring him joy- lighten his load and make it my own.

This is love. This is what I want.

I Love

I love you as the sun gently touches the sea.
I love you as the ocean caresses the shore- teasing with most richness- echoing eternity's sound.
I love your voice, the sounds of your body, your music- I hear you in whispers.
I love your eyes- sparkling like a thousand stars. Your joyful smile- telling me I was never alone.
I love the taste of you in my mouth
I love you for your simple ways and words
I love the truth that speaks from every part of you
I love the sense that you are near.

Though it is wrong- I can’t stand being apart from you.
I have never loved before. Never to forget.

Yet I cannot possess you- you must become who you are. Teach me how to love you. Free me from doubt.
 

Letter to Vincent Van Gogh

For so long I have thought of you- kindred spirit. I live in an age where one-half of the world’s species will be extinct in less than a hundred years.  To witness the destruction of what I love- this is unbearably cruel. Why live in such a world?

"I feel heavy and hard hit by watching this beautiful world being dismantled sold and abused as a normalcy. It hits me on a body level, i have been doubled over and crying, sobbing, shrieking in pain over this one hundred times and can only imagine that there is more to come."- from my friend Dan.

A world without compassion-confused as to what is important. So many numb themselves and wound each other for the sake of survival.

Words should not be used to ameliorate pain. Pain is needed to be truly alive- no words- rather experience the pain. Music and art are solace- revealing the beautiful essence to us- yet we cannot even see our own reflection.

The Unfresh

I do not want to go back- the life of the empty shell-endless asphalt leading to sanctuaries of crass- STOP! Shopping sale: dead matter, $100 off, try and buy, 30 years, 11% interest- pay until you die and die with the dead.

I hear a soft murmur- a small bird chirping, tiny wings buzzing- flittering from one spot to the next- happy to be and asking no more- suffused sunlight slithering on soft seas- a tree with golden sap- blood miraculous.

I hear the sounds of engines- the chatter of incessant needs- a sigh- a laugh- don’t need to see- can hear all- random noises exploding from the ether and receding back to nothingness- secrets revealed.

The soft whispers of the dead- come into my world- I will teach you about life- who better to learn about life than the dead. The experience unfresh- no smells, no glaring lights, just the dim traces of essence and spirit.

A friend? I do not recognize you. Did you forget something? What- you forget me? Did you ever remember me? To remember is to risk forgetting- better never to remember- painful memories- the difference between pain and joy-love life infused with pain- escape pain- escape life- escape life forget love- forget love-forget self-an echo in the wind.

Aggressive Drivers

Cold-crass- tailgate aggression-stomp on that gas pedal-take a life…
You certainly know how to live (die), live (die), live (die).
You are angry- cutoff-your own private purgatory-I feel your pain- it brings despair- but it cannot endure.

Concrete Prisons

Love unbreakable- Moving about in a dark dim dank grey cold concrete prison- icy silence. Angular concrete table-cold, white slab floor. I hear everything- I hear the flame as it pulsates heat- the water as it moves around- everything speaks to me from this cold icy silence.

The trees talk to me- their bark skins, their kindred brothers. Their need for flowing water- their memories old. Can you heal me I implore- They answer back- can you heal me? Spirit-love-pain.

Pain makes everything seem transitory. Love rejected is NO love.

Oceans My Blood

Hello World! Good News!

I can be loved-I am loveable!

I am special! Not alone! Inside is my soul! Somewhere is my soul mate! When I look into his eyes he will see me- questioning ends- the adventure begins….unfolding, unending...

I can be loved- I am loveable!

Love penetrating every part of my being- oceans my blood.

Cold Steel

You told me that my experiences have tempered me- like cold steel. All of the pain and suffering have made me strong and beautiful, reflective, pure- hard like cold steel.

But you do not know me…For the steel is only on the outside- inside I am scared- weak, watery- bathed in silent tears- wishing to die. 

Friends & Lovers- The Difference

Lovers are inseparable- when apart there is pain- Friends when apart- there is less pain. I cannot kill the pain-instead I let it run through me.

Comfortably Insane

I have stepped through the looking glass- lost in a world where magic is real, love everywhere and even pain is beautiful. Once the stuff of dreams- barely glimpsed-it is now my only  reality. And as strange as it sounds, I mean every word I just wrote. Which might make me insane- but comfortably so.
 

When I Write....

I don't want to write like you...I want to be misunderstood- clarity is painful...too painful- yet good. I need to be with me- alone. Speak the silent truth.

You Forgot Love…
Love is not enough only if you believe it is not enough.

You forgot love- you closed yourself off from me- believed you were protecting yourself- but all you were protecting yourself from was life…

Life is about differences- the beauty is in the light shimmering on the water, the wind swaying the tall grass, the sea touching the shore.

We were different. I so much wanted to love you. But you detached- you denigrated what love meant. You used words to protect yourself from hurt.

The pain inside of you is a pain that leads to loneliness- to emptiness- to death. I reject your pain even though I feel it deeply. I embrace life.

What is Love?

If I love you and you hate me- can I blame you? If I hate you and you love me? No- love and hate are the same- real love transcends love-hate- existence and non-existence- Love is unconditional, but respectful. A never ending conversation.

Love is reaching out from the dark void, through the mystery of space-time- a soft voice- a glimmer of recognition, whisper my name- kiss me- bring me home- in the vast chaos you know me- you touch me- find me- soul paths intersecting, still atoms- saved from the endless fall. The beginning without end the end without beginning.

It seems I cannot trust in this world. Yet without trust there is no connection. Trust is peace. It fosters growth and life. It reaches in the dark, as lovers with bodies and souls intertwined. If I can’t trust I cannot love, if I cannot love, then why live?

Permanence is illusion- what was, is no longer, only the now. Yet if I forget I am less human, less connected to self- lost.

Reach out to heaven- to chance- the unpredictable may be the only hope and salvation. I want to die to be saved- to recover from the brink.


Love and Friendship

Love is not selective- it doesn’t say, I love this, but not that- rather I love all- I unconditionally accept all of you. Love to manifest, must be accepted by the other. Hate, anger, fear, illusion- these sometimes appear to destroy love- in reality they destroy lives- the love remains.

I will not see you again, our lives are fully separated- you have rejected me because of my love- the intensity of my love. I will not excuse the intensity of my love or the demand for truth- truth, beauty and love are inseparable.

Sometimes to preserve the possibility of new love, there must be an ending of old love. Love, though indestructible is perhaps not inexhaustible. Love unrequited is not quite love- sometimes it is ego. Sometimes it is better to let go. Men have trouble loving unconditionally- attachment to one whose love is conditional can lead to cycles of fear and abandonment- some people are not ready for love and are destined to spend a life apart- no matter how painful.

Friendship is love. Friendship is not the consolation prize for lost love. It is not a lesser love. Why don’t you love me? Why can’t we love? Because your anger and fear have taken sway over your heart and to preserve and protect yourself you have cut me off just enough to make love impossible while expressing the desire for friendship- but what type of friendship? If the friendship is deep then there will be pain- so what is the escape? You profess I am your closest friend- but you do not want me to express who I fully am. You want a close friend who is not close. You want love without closeness. You want to use me as a springboard to new love- the security blanket- the ever present possibility. I am to accept your definition of love- which is ultimately impossible and is not love. It is dependency. It is like when you said- I am in this relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So are you in this friendship for the sake of being in friendship?  Why don’t you accept the truth of your love or accept that you no longer love. That fear and hate have overcome the love within and self isolation has enabled you to cut off the life pulse of love- this blood no longer flows through your veins. You are loveless to me- If I give you what you want I would be returning a lie. This could damage me because I would be untrue to myself. I will seek the truth. If you love me, whether or not you understand, you will be able to acknowledge my truth and if you cannot, then you do not love me and your rejection an expression of your own ego- the very opposite of love. Live your own lies. This is not my burden. Not my task.

Coffee

You say to yourself I am thirsty, I would like the warmth of coffee or cappuccino or whatever. So you go to the place where they make it and bring it over to where you were standing next to me. You drink some and think to yourself- I do not need the caffeine any more- the sugar and milk will make me fat- I will share the coffee with you. So you ask me- would I like some of your coffee- and I say after a few moments thought- yes. I drink and it is good, and then I give it back to you.

I thought – you were my friend- we were sharing- our molecules mixed, a small part of our essences became interspersed- briefly and so effervescently one. But you did not drink the coffee again- instead you offered it to a beautiful stranger. He immediately said yes…he does not know that I also partook- my love in him, but from you absent- you only wished to rid yourself of the coffee- I wanted to share you.
 

Time

Today we meet for the second time. Expectations are confused- beginnings of friendship or love...in either case the adventure starts. We talk, we share and then you inform me- by the way- only an hour left- I will be meeting someone else. So no beginning- a short meeting and a quick ending- you do not wish to be my friend- or you are insensitive or both- neither bodes friendship and love is besides the point.

Martian

Sitting on the bus- seemingly for ever reaching my destination, I feel alone. What color blood runs through my veins? Green? Red? Am I human? Perhaps a Martian- or from some more distant planet- I do not feel human. I cry, I feel sad, but I am not like the others. I am rejected- unworthy of love- unloved- it must be me…what is it about me? Or is it you?

Can You Love Me?

I thrive on love- Love waters my soul and gives it life. It is why I am here.

Can you love me?

I am complex- you will never really know who I am and what I think.

I am sensitive- all that you say and do is remembered- reverberating through the chambers of my heart- echoing forever in my mind.

I am brilliant- my mind is a light that shines upon the water illuminating every detail, every living and non-living thing- past and present.

I am idealistic- I want you to be you- to become the man you should be and are- I want you to have the idealism of your youth- so we can share it and never grow old.

I care about the world- my compassion extends beyond a single person into the depths and outer reaches of the universe- all life touches me and I touch it.

I am a perfectionist- I can be demanding of you- not as bad as myself, but still a pain.

I am loyal to one who befriends me when I am down- I empathize with the downtrodden. Each day is a struggle for me to remain alive- I appear strong but I am weak, each day is exploration of joy and reminder of sadness.

I am sensual- each touch, each kiss, taste, loving word, tear- is sincere and if I say I love you – I love you body and soul, inside and out- I cannot lie.

I am pure energy- amorphous and solid- changing and static.

Can you love me?

Love is Temporary Insanity!

Le Mer

Not all pain is bad and sometimes the closer you come to life, the closer you are to death. Imagine being a frozen sea. Life trapped inside- changing, but frozen- not really alive. Then a change- a gradual melting-a flood- now teeming with life. The sun shimmers on an ocean that dances to the sky.

But oh- how I fear the return of the cold- the freezing of the sea- I would rather die then live that again-  yet it was so much a part of me. God, please don’t let me die.

Now I cry, now I cry, but still I am free inside- at least for now. The sun shimmers on an ocean that dances to the sky.

Love

Makes wise men fools- wearies the heart and gives joy with out end.

So much in life I love... but missing- your love.

Your touch…your lips...your smile...your breath...your eyes...your voice. Everything I remember about you...about us...but the rest of my life fades...sad memories.

The song says living is not alone…

I need you….We will make love forever...forever in your arms, your touch...your loving stare will follow me to the end.

Squander love?- Giving up on love is giving up on life- where are you?

Where are you? 

Protect me...keep away the cold…hold on to me….break the veil…end the endless night...

The Dead

-Disquiet, volcanic eruption- something coming... someone coming

- A week before- anxious- something not right- someone special- a life long love- I must make room- friends are OK, but you are my eternal love- who I loved before time and after time. You are coming- I am ready- the time is here.

I cry, I laugh- something coming...

Speaking to a friend- I see you- my heart leaps- my body shakes- I am alive you are coming- not here yet, but coming- almost.

We talk- we set a time and place to meet…I wait- I am calm, the calm before the storm- moments before  I could barely see- but I am calm now.

You come into my life- it is you- I recognize who you are- you recognize me- not quite in the same way- but you know me.

We talk, you say all the right things- you are not cool, you are not hard- you are warm- passionate- young and alive- you know me- you can read my expressions- my eyes- you speak to me deep- within we share, we kiss and await the next day.

The next day comes- we meet- you want me I want you ….we stop you are scared- you want to slow down- you are afraid and I am hurt- I know you- but you do not completely know me. I cry inside- you cry…….

We eat, we talk- you learn more about me.....

Don’t play it cool- you will lose me- I am nice, yes like the radiant sun, giver of light and joy bit terrible and fierce- I speak to all living things, the rocks, the animals, people- I hear the voices of the dead in my dreams- they told me about you- that's how I knew you were coming- when you speak to the dead- you are half alive, but they love me- do you?

Today I…..

Today I Remembered

Beautiful Tasha and the first time I taught her to descend a flight of stairs.

The first time I cradled her to sleep in my arms- Her eyes so soulful and sweet-  her movements so delicate, her expression so wise, perfect.

How short our time together- faithful friend

Today I Remembered

The first time I saw Peter- how beautiful he seemed, the soft touch of his skin against mine- his gaze, his smile, the first warm embrace, the first long kiss, waking up in his manly arms, morning smiles suffused with sunlight- perfect days- perfect nights, holding hands - not caring what the world thinks- just in love.

Stop time! Some many moments I want to last forever…yet even memory uncertain.

Hold me- pretend all is well if just for a flickering moment-  just a touch, a tear, a soft caress-  I am lost with out your love….

For a brief time I cheated life- pretending my joy would never end- Life I said - this is my life and I will live it as I am- fuck fear, fuck society, fuck family- fuck everything and everyone that tried to tell me how to live.

I am what I am

Hold me hold me

I am lost…….beautiful, sad and lost. I am crying.

A Poem to George Bush

Let my people go

How much longer will your lies deceive my world?
How much longer will you endanger my people?
How much longer long will you destroy my world’s beauty- filling it with oil drenched ugliness?
How much longer will you impoverish my generations born and yet born?
My world derides you. Future generations mock you.
My truth burns brighter than your lies.
Your fear has infected my world.
Your fear has emboldened the enemies of peace and distressed my peace keepers.
Your leadership- an abyss.