Why is she is so selfish
No one understands me. I hate...
No solace. You- Uncaring, Unforgiving. Find malice
in a soft breeze. Love diamonds more than life. On my death bed you hurl insults: robbing
life. Goneril and Regan sweeter a thousand times. Caligula kinder. Cruelty- thy name is woman.
Perfidy- thy name is man. Liars all.
Ruin, if you must, your life. Live old and bitter. Make a self prison. Entomb yourself with gold, jewels and possessions.
But..what have you done to me?
Reality: inescapable except perhaps in death and then-who knows....
Time must end.
If you have ever felt this, know there is an alternative. Lose yourself and turn to God and your fellow man. Take pity and have compassion on yourself and those who have abused you and themselves. Bring love into the world and devote your self to serving others and becoming a force for good. If you are alive then you will feel pain. Experiencing pain will bring empathy and compassion for others. Share yourself with others, ask for help. Seek those who will help you. By being weak you will receive strength and become strong. Stop the questioning and let yourself become an instrument of the creator and the universal. Material things and the opinions of others mean nothing. Life is mystery and adventure. Become who you are.
Learn and build upon your strengths and shift your focus outward while maintaining peace inward. By so doing, you will find the answers you seek. Do not attempt to impose the solution. Be patient…
Man's greatest fear is a kind of existential terror- the fear of not being- of being unable to control one's own life, one's thoughts, one's emotions, actions and future. The ability to extend beyond ones self and find meaning in giving, a firm belief in God, universal truths and/or the power of ones own humanity and the oneness of humanity- to overcome the condition of isolation- is critical if this terror is to be manageable and turned into a constructive life force. Try to stay positive.
It is difficult to truly understand someone else's pain- physical or psychic. It is important to be non-judgmental, even when that pain becomes a source of your own pain. It is always a delicate balance between wanting to help and respecting another's desires and needs. Perhaps all that matters is that we are sensitive to this and do our best. Not every problem has a solution and some things take time to heal.
Trees, mountains, animals all
give us unconditional love- though we have
difficulty giving this to ourselves and each
other. Living in this society I am as guilty as
others- I still squander what is not mine. Yet I
am forgiven- perhaps this should be my model.
Forgive as I have been forgiven. Teach those who
will listen- who are open- allow the Divine
Mother to do her work and trust in the
Universe's plan. Man may destroy all life on
this Earth- but there is still the hope of
rebirth and it is not for me to question the
path of creation- mankind is part of this path.
We live in dark times. It is true that many people become
fearful- when their economic security is threatened- their
future. Fear manifests in the many forms of hate we see today.
LGBT and other minorities become scapegoats. The truth is that
sexual repression and violence are linked. The most repressed,
the most homophobic in our society- are often the most violent.
They are out of touch with their own feelings- their own nature.
They are so out of touch- they turn to whatever makes them feel
alive- in control- and that is often violence- verbal or
physical. They are driven by fear and have very little real
connection with their families, partners, children, communities
"But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other. "How can your effort make any difference?"
"The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to safety in the waves. ""It makes a difference to this one,"" he said."
I believe there comes a time
am at the center of the Universe. I am where all creation comes
into being and dissolves. At the edge of existence and non-existence.
It is dark- yet suffused with the creation’s light. I feel incredible pain-
I feel the mother’s pain as she gives birth. Immersed in pain I begin to
heal. Pain is transmuted- as water to wine or wine to water.
In the darkest night there is light. In the abandonment of hope, there is hope. There is no pain to great and love to small.
I am at the dark night of the
soul- yet I have not rejected- I walk between worlds- living in both light and
darkness. The transmuting
of pain is my birthing into a new life.-
Love is like
The truth is that almost everything is impermanent. When I write that the relationship ended...I am not talking about the relationship when it was loving or caring. I am talking about now. When the words "I love you" can still be spoken- but the sound rings hollow- and tenderness quickly turns to derision. How did this happen? Death by a thousand blows? But what it really is despite all the words- is the absence of love.
Anyone who has been "in love" knows that the words are almost meaningless. They fall trippingly off the tongue and are said by so many so early. What they really mean is...I love myself and I love how you make me feel. I love that you make me happy. I love this, I love that. And yes I love YOU. But is it YOU? That YOU is often everything BUT who you really are. In truth most don't even know who they are- so how can they love another for who THEY truly are?
So you may ask- what is the true YOU? I will tell you. It is not anything you think it is- any quality, emotion, feeling or physical trait. It has nothing to do with what you love or hate. Do you know what it is? It is the core essential being- that will be part of you after you leave this plane and before you enter it again. That is always with you. It is the eternal, all knowing presence that can only manifest love and can see everything that was, is and will be. Perhaps you might say it is the god within you- the great stillness- the eternal harmony. It is only at this level where there can be true love. Love, not just for a partner, but for all life- all existence- all consciousness.
A part of me wants to cry. A part of me can't imagine how so many memories must now be reinterpreted- found to be false. The child within wants to die- and not face a world full of human beings who seem to lie so much- unknowingly or not. But the truth is easy to see. Why should it be otherwise. That child comes from an eternal place of love and is thrust into a world of suffering and pain. The child will always be hurt and the pain is real but illusory at the same time. How could a relationship based on anything else but the true ME, the true YOU, ever be permanent- every endure? It can't. To make one person the focus of one's love-may be the inspiration of many a love song- but in the end- that focus is narrow and selfish. If one loves, then one must love all consciousness- all life- and the full manifestation of this in oneself and others.
-- Lowell Greenberg
Yesterday I had another meditation experience. I was in nature- which is a great healer for me- surrounded by beauty and the love of the spirits of nature. I was with my dog- who I also love and who loves me. I went to a more secluded area- off the main path- and turning away from the bright morning sun, began to meditate. The first ten minutes was similar to most other times that I have meditated. But the last five minutes was not. A more complete quietness came over me- and then a torrent of tears and crying started. The tears were for the suffering in the world- the suffering I am experiencing- not only because of the relationship- but because of the inevitable suffering of life- growing old, separation, war, destruction, self inflicted wounds… And as the tears flowed- there was a washing away of my attachment to these things- what was left was an old man with a dog- the dog grounding him in love, surrounded by the love of nature- empty of thought- accepting- neither sad or happy. Not detached- because the love was still felt. Resigned to what life brings and perhaps ready to die. So it is possible to feel love and to be empty.
Afterwards, the ego attempted to recover my self-image. The ego was challenged to explain joy amid the suffering. Here I simply understood there are two kinds of joy. There is the joy and pain I felt when my beloved dog of 14 ½ years died. The pain of parting, but the joy of remembering that all she brought me- and probably all I brought her- was joy. Joy and pain, pain and joy. Remembering the first time she hesitantly walked down stairs as a young puppy and the last time I held her in my arms and opened up heaven for her to rise to the light- which she did and where she is- radiant and happy and still with me.
Then there was the pain
of the ending of my last relationship. Here there is little
joy- the pain and suffering of the ending obscuring the
love- a love that I now recognize as ego based, situational
and conditional. Understanding may creep through- but the
feeling is there- one of loss- but not warm joy- rather the
coldness of a stab to the heart- feeling the rejection of
one who has more rejected a part of themselves then me…and
realizing how often this has taken place in my life and in
the human continuum of experience. Through this experience-
a part of me attempting to learn the lessons and a part of
me dying in the way I described above.
"You showed me how, how to leave myself behind How to turn down the noise in my mind Now I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Not since I've known you
I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Sufferin' was the only thing made me feel I was alive Thought that's just how much it cost to survive in this world 'Til you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love How to open up and drink in all that white light Pourin' down from the heaven"
Got Time For the Pain,"
In Life sometimes we are lost.
Many years ago there was a tree and a man. They met in a forest one day. They gazed at each other. The man fell in love with the tree and the tree fell in love with the man. The man so admired the beautiful outstretched branches of the tree- its youth- the vibrant leafs, the sweet sap, the gentile swaying of her branches in the breeze. The tree felt at home with the man- admired- finally known for who she is- a little less alone.
passed. The tree became less beautiful. Some of the branches
were barren. She began to lean over a bit. The man grew
bored. The tree was no longer as beautiful to him. The man
was unhappy and the tree no longer made him happy. So one
day the man moved on. He left the tree and never returned.
At first the tree was puzzled. She said to herself, “I
thought he loved me.” The sun loves me, the birds love me,
the wind caresses me- they always return- we are never
apart. But this man has disappeared. Why? Did he ever love
me or was his love, like his rejection, nothing more than a
game he played with himself. The tree felt used, but finally
the tree understood the truth. The man never loved the tree,
but only the saw the tree for what it could do for him. When
the tree no longer did what the man wanted- he left.
When I think of past loves,
imprinted on my brain and psyche
I want to die. I cannot but be who I am. I wish to move, like the tempests in the sea. I wish to shine, brighter than a thousand new born stars. I see myself in the mirror- and I do not see me…see something hidden, under the skin- yellow iridescent- amorphic- pulsating, filled with energy reaching, holding, grasping, begging…mercy-have mercy on me...Why am I here? Where is here?…I am nowhere. You can’t see me- you can’t see me. Don’t try. I have been lying- there is no me. Laugh at me...I don’t care there is no me. Beat me…I am already in pain- pregnant with pain. Dark, red, black, dripping yellow and blue…pain. A knife moves into me and through me…but I cannot feel it. I don’t want to feel it. Instead, I want to cry…I want the water to wash me away….so that all that is left are few bubbles---pop, one by one they go- then I am gone. No more…into the vast sea…there is no me...there never was me. As for you….I can barely see you…you are like a ghost….I can barely feel you…I can hear you...but all the voices blend into a monotone...an aching sound…a kind of music….I can't see you. I am falling…I am falling. And I don’t care.
Why do I still grieve the
loss? Why do I feel powerless to change it? Why do I grieve
the loss, more than the object of my love. Why do I feel
rejected and still inadequate? Why can't I create a wedge-
think nothing more of it and simply move on. I know why. It
is because I fear the very cause of my grief is me and that
if I simply move on-the grief will repeat. What if I am
wrong? What if the grief need not be repeated. What if I
loved too much? What if my love was too much? What if it was
misunderstood because the object of my love could not
reciprocate or conceive of a similar love. What if I am not responsible
at all. What if somewhere there is a love that can love as
deeply as I love. What if some how I find love, that while
human-is external. What if I deserve this. What if I deserve
this. What if I deserve this.
To a Friend- Neediness
I read the article you linked to, "If you want to Change the World...Love a Woman" I am gay- so removing any male centeredness to the piece- it still deeply resonated with me. It was very timely- as if an angel had delivered it at the moment when I would most notice and need it. On a more superficial level it speaks to what I and others call spiritual narcissism. But at another level, it resonates with what is now a deep pain inside of me- even moving to the suicidal- a sense that no one is capable of connecting at the level Lisa wrote about. Yet I believe I can and have.
It seems that only in nature do I find true peace and the sense of what she wrote- the desire and sense of oneness. In all my relationships there seems to be nothing enduring- as if I was looking at egos- shining in the mirror- laughing, smiling- but ultimately really trapped in the mirror- not real- not present- not truly self aware- not really compassionate- and always- always seeking to judge, discriminate- even deprecate to bolster a sense of self- an illusion.
am starting to believe that being gay- the ordeal of coming
out- the joy in finally being out- and then the seemingly
rapid succession of what seems to be meaningless
relationships- may have been a mistake. Gay culture seems to
gratify the very narcissism Lisa spoke about. But culture
aside- perhaps there is someone who is genuine- unafraid and
healed enough to relate to-for real. While it sounds
strange, I think I am coming less from a neediness than a
sense of sadness- yet- what is wrong with neediness?
Fire and Rain
A Course in Miracles
The Sound of Silence
Where is Love?, from "Oliver",
"On a clear day