The Blues

I know I am alive, for I feel exquisite pain, and from this pain springs love.

Though I seem as if in a dark abyss, alone, yet I know you
love me and your hand guides my life in directions
I can only dimly imagine.

The line between "subjective" reality (perhaps the only kind) and chaos is the thinnest of lines. If the mind crosses over to chaos- how desperately
it tries to return and restore what once was- the illusion of control in a "personal"
or should I say impersonal universe.

Destroyers

No solace. You- Uncaring, Unforgiving. Find malice in a soft breeze. Love diamonds more than life. On my death bed you hurl insults: robbing life. Goneril and Regan sweeter a thousand times. Caligula kinder. Cruelty- thy name is woman. Perfidy- thy name is man. Liars all.

No peace, no refuge. 

Ruin, if you must, your life. Live old and bitter. Make a self prison. Entomb yourself with gold, jewels and possessions.

But..what have you done to me?

Why?..I hurt

Reality: inescapable except perhaps in death and then-who knows....

Time must end.

Lowell Greenberg

"So when you see us weary from the day's internal climb. When we find fault with your best efforts, or treat imperfection as purposeful crime ... When you see our quick defenses, our efforts to control, our readiness to form a plan of unrealistic goals ... When we run into a conflict and fight to the bitter end, remember ... We think that winning means we won't be hurt again." From: "For Children Who Were Broken," by Elia Wise

Learn and build upon your strengths and shift your focus outward while maintaining peace inward. By so doing, you will find the answers you seek. Do not attempt to impose the solution. Be patient…

Man's greatest fear is a kind of existential terror- the fear of not being- of being unable to control one's own life, one's thoughts, one's emotions, actions and future. The ability to extend beyond ones self and find meaning in giving, a firm belief in God, universal truths and/or the power of ones own humanity and the oneness of humanity- to overcome the condition of isolation- is critical if this terror is to be manageable and turned into a constructive life force. Try to stay positive.

It is difficult to truly understand someone else's pain- physical or psychic. It is important to be non-judgmental, even when that pain becomes a source of your own pain. It is always a delicate balance between wanting to help and respecting another's desires and needs. Perhaps all that matters is that we are sensitive to this and do our best. Not every problem has a solution and some things take time to heal.

Trees, mountains, animals all give us unconditional love- though we have difficulty giving this to ourselves and each other. Living in this society I am as guilty as others- I still squander what is not mine. Yet I am forgiven- perhaps this should be my model. Forgive as I have been forgiven. Teach those who will listen- who are open- allow the Divine Mother to do her work and trust in the Universe's plan. Man may destroy all life on this Earth- but there is still the hope of rebirth and it is not for me to question the path of creation- mankind is part of this path.

To be judgmental is wrong. There is no equivocation on this. It is a state that represents a stage in spiritual development- however it is one of the many traps. One must accept his essential helplessness to avert or stop life's many tragedies. One must accept ones self fully. One should not take on the diseases or grief of others as his or hers own. Rather one should show compassion and strength. Show compassion to those who have hurt you and those you have hurt. Accept that we are all children of the Divine Mother. To judge others is to take on another's weight- their baggage. From a selfish and a spiritual perspective this is wrong.

I am not responsible for the pain for the world. I am not to blame. I cannot not hold on to this grief. Yet I am responsible- for being compassionate to myself and all creation.

Guilt is a trap- one must be sensitive to the effects one has on another- but one cannot be so sensitive that he takes on another's hurt. I am free- caring, but free- released.

-Lowell Greenberg  

Hope

We live in dark times. It is true that many people become fearful- when their economic security is threatened- their future. Fear manifests in the many forms of hate we see today. LGBT and other minorities become scapegoats. The truth is that sexual repression and violence are linked. The most repressed, the most homophobic in our society- are often the most violent. They are out of touch with their own feelings- their own nature. They are so out of touch- they turn to whatever makes them feel alive- in control- and that is often violence- verbal or physical. They are driven by fear and have very little real connection with their families, partners, children, communities and themselves.

The truth is that to be sensitive is too be alive- and to be alive is to feel pain. To be sensitive is to be fully human. This is not easy in a world that is filled with hate and repression. To remain human in this world- truly human- is a fight- a continual battle. But it is important to recognize the great beauty and wisdom in yourself and others. Do not allow feelings of guilt or anger to change your perception of yourself or others. Accept all aspects of yourself. Reach out to others like yourself. People who care. People that have similar experiences and viewpoints. Let them become your new family. Enlarge your compassion. There are so many that suffer for so many reasons- poverty, hunger, disease, war, oppression....the list is endless. Yet all of these things need to enlarge your compassion- both for yourself and others. This compassion should extended to all life- not just human. To trees, mountains, rivers, lakes, animals, plants- to all living things.

Feelings- of despair and anger are normal- healthy in fact. When you find yourself taking actions- writing, speaking and acting to manifest yourself more fully in this world- to experience-you will find that the despair will pass- in fact you may see these darker periods as periods of renewal.

However, if the despair does not pass, then you must from deep within recognize this and following your heart seek the help that you need from within or without. Sometimes it is just reaching out to a friend. Sometimes a counselor, a family member- an ancestor-a tree, an animal- someone. Sometimes it is reaching out to yourself- holding that inner conversation that allows you to restore your balance. Please remember that seeking help is an indication of strength- it is also your birthright as human being- as someone connected to this universe and all life.

Do not repress your anger, your sadness. Do not wish it away or in any way convince yourself that is wrong. It is a message-it provides a lesson. Why I am I angry or sad? Is it justified? How should I change my perspective? Do I need to change something in my life? Reach out? Understand your anger- do not judge it- learn from it. Depression can at times be internalized anger. This anger can in part be a reaction to the many angry and repressed people in this world. Don't let their anger harm you or your life. Instead, grow stronger, wiser and more alive- more human. If you are reading this- then you have the capacity to do this.

"All strong souls first go to hell before they do the healing of the world they came here for. If we are lucky, we return to help those still trapped below."

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

"Don't Laugh at Me
I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call a geek
A little girl who never smiles
‘Cause I have braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels to cry
myself to sleep..."
"...Don't call me names
 Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me"
from "Don't Laugh at Me" by Steve Seskin/Allen Shamblin & performed by Peter Yarrow as part of the "Don't Laugh at Me" project.

I feel overwhelmed by the insensitivity of others - how they simply project their needs and wants upon the world- how so much in relationships is merely an expression of ego. I find solace and peace in nature- among the non-human spirits that I feel deep connectedness to. But for my fellow humans- I am feeling confusion- they sadden me. They seem like walking automatons- even those who are supposedly awake. I feel awake in a world of sleeping people and I can't help but feel lonely- there is almost a sense of terror- as if waking up and surrounded by a room full of ghosts- or am I the ghost. Have I died? Yes I have died- but am not yet fully reborn. I need help- but who will heal the healer?

Lowell Greenberg

"As the old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. Finally catching up with the youth, he asked him why he was doing this. The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.

"But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other. "How can your effort make any difference?"

"The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to safety in the waves. ""It makes a difference to this one,"" he said."

Anonymous

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone ...

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands- one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Audrey Hepburn

"The man, who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. Rather, he will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help him to risk himself, so that he may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring."

From "The Way of Transformation," by Karlfried Graf Dürckheim


"To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free."

Janet Rand

You will be walking some night in the comfortable dark of your yard and suddenly a great light will shine round about you, and behind you will be a wall you never saw before. It will be clear to you suddenly that you were about to escape, and that you are guilty: you misread the complex instructions, you are not a member, you lost your card or never had one. And you will know that they have been there all along, their eyes on your letters and books, their hands in your pockets, their ears wired to your bed. Though you have done nothing shameful, they will want you to be ashamed. They will want you to kneel and weep and say you should have been like them. And once you say you are ashamed, reading the page they hold out to you, then such light as you have made in your history will leave you. They will no longer need to pursue you. You will pursue them, begging forgiveness. They will not forgive you. There is no power against them. It is only candor that is aloof from them, only an inward clarity, unashamed, that they cannot reach. Be ready. When their light has picked you out and their questions are asked, say to them: "I am not ashamed." A sure horizon will come around you. The heron will begin his evening flight from the hilltop.

When we close our hearts to someone else we may think that we are insulating ourselves, or those we love, from danger. The very act of closing our hearts, though, often does more damage than the risk we are trying to avoid.

Alan and Cheryl Greene

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.

African Proverb

I believe there comes a time
When everything just falls in line
We live and learn from from our mistakes
The deepest cuts are healed by faith.

Tolhurst/Grombacher/Giraldol

The Dark Night of the Soul

 I am at the center of the Universe. I am where all creation comes into being and dissolves. At the edge of existence and non-existence. It is dark- yet suffused with the creation’s light. I feel incredible pain- I feel the mother’s pain as she gives birth. Immersed in pain I begin to heal. Pain is transmuted- as water to wine or wine to water.

Judgment gives way to acceptance and compassion. Fully Abandoning what is false I can now embrace the true. Finally I can fully manifest who I am.

Yesterday I had another meditation experience. I was in nature- which is a great healer for me- surrounded by beauty and the love of the spirits of nature. I was with my dog- who I also love and who loves me. I went to a more secluded area- off the main path- and turning away from the bright morning sun, began to meditate. The first ten minutes was similar to most other times that I have meditated. But the last five minutes was not. A more complete quietness came over me- and then a torrent of tears and crying started. The tears were for the suffering in the world- the suffering I am experiencing- not only because of the relationship- but because of the inevitable suffering of life- growing old, separation, war, destruction, self inflicted wounds… And as the tears flowed- there was a washing away of my attachment to these things- what was left was an old man with a dog- the dog grounding him in love, surrounded by the love of nature- empty of thought- accepting- neither sad or happy. Not detached- because the love was still felt. Resigned to what life brings and perhaps ready to die. So it is possible to feel love and to be empty.

 Afterwards, the ego attempted to recover my self-image. The ego was challenged to explain joy amid the suffering. Here I simply understood there are two kinds of joy. There is the joy and pain I felt when my beloved dog of 14 ½ years died. The pain of parting, but the joy of remembering that all she brought me- and probably all I brought her- was joy. Joy and pain, pain and joy. Remembering the first time she hesitantly walked down stairs as a young puppy and the last time I held her in my arms and opened up heaven for her to rise to the light- which she did and where she is- radiant and happy and still with me.

Then there was the pain of the ending of my last relationship. Here there is little joy- the pain and suffering of the ending obscuring the love-  a love that I now recognize as ego based, situational and conditional. Understanding may creep through- but the feeling is there- one of loss- but not warm joy- rather the coldness of a stab to the heart- feeling the rejection of one who has more rejected a part of themselves then me…and realizing how often this has taken place in my life and in the human continuum of experience. Through this experience- a part of me attempting to learn the lessons and a part of me dying in the way I described above.

-- Lowell Greenberg

"You showed me how, how to leave myself behind How to turn down the noise in my mind Now I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Not since I've known you

I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Sufferin' was the only thing made me feel I was alive Thought that's just how much it cost to survive in this world 'Til you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love How to open up and drink in all that white light Pourin' down from the heaven"

Many years ago there was a tree and a man. They met in a forest one day. They gazed at each other. The man fell in love with the tree and the tree fell in love with the man. The man so admired the beautiful outstretched branches of the tree- its youth- the vibrant leafs, the sweet sap, the gentile swaying of her branches in the breeze. The tree felt at home with the man- admired- finally known for who she is- a little less alone.

Falling

I want to die. I cannot but be who I am. I wish to move, like the tempests in the sea. I wish to shine, brighter than a thousand new born stars. I see myself in the mirror- and I do not see me…see something hidden, under the skin- yellow iridescent- amorphic- pulsating, filled with energy reaching, holding, grasping, begging…mercy-have mercy on me...Why am I here? Where is here?…I am nowhere. You can’t see me- you can’t see me. Don’t try. I have been lying- there is no me. Laugh at me...I don’t care there is no me. Beat me…I am already in pain- pregnant with pain. Dark, red, black, dripping yellow and blue…pain. A knife moves into me and through me…but I cannot feel it. I don’t want to feel it. Instead, I want to cry…I want the water to wash me away….so that all that is left are few bubbles---pop, one by one they go- then I am gone. No more…into the vast sea…there is no me...there never was me. As for you….I can barely see you…you are like a ghost….I can barely feel you…I can hear you...but all the voices blend into a monotone...an aching sound…a kind of music….I can't see you. I am falling…I am falling. And I don’t care.

Rejection
Destroying love is the worst crime

Why do I still grieve the loss? Why do I feel powerless to change it? Why do I grieve the loss, more than the object of my love. Why do I feel rejected and still inadequate? Why can't I create a wedge- think nothing more of it and simply move on. I know why. It is because I fear the very cause of my grief is me and that if I simply move on-the grief will repeat. What if I am wrong? What if the grief need not be repeated. What if I loved too much? What if my love was too much? What if it was misunderstood because the object of my love could not reciprocate or conceive of a similar love. What if I am not responsible at all. What if somewhere there is a love that can love as deeply as I love. What if some how I find love, that while human-is external. What if I deserve this. What if I deserve this. What if I deserve this.

I can feel this. I can taste it. I can dimly see it-but I have yet to experience it. Am I worthy? What if I deserve this? All the guilt, ego knocking, spiritual gobble...what if this is obscuring the truth. What if the truth is beautiful, hopeful and filled with joy. A joy that has escaped me all of my life-the single longing-eternal love.

Tasha loved me this way. Maybe another human being can. Maybe...Maybe...Maybe....Is it a crime to hope so?

 

"On a clear day 
Rise and 1ook around you 
And you'll see who you are 
On a clear day 
How it will astound you 
That the glow of your being 
Outshines every star..." 

"On a Clear Day You Can See Forever,"
by Burton Lane & Alan Jay Lerner